Lessons

Zedd looked at the time. "Still a half-hour to noon," he said to himself. Oh well, it would do him no harm to be here early. More time to prepare...he had never tried teaching before, he hoped he wouldn't fail too miserably... He would probably have to end up relearning things he'd taken for granted, for as long as he could remember--it almost made his head spin.

But I said I'd do it, and I will.

And with almost no warning, someone came up behind him. "Oh, you're here early!"

Zedd turned around, and saw Kris, with a man who must be her brother. What was his name? Nik-something...Nikain, that was it. They did look a lot alike, though not identical. They were both rather pale, but Krissen was noticeably darker, probably because she got out more. She looked as if she could be any age between eighteen and thirty, and it would be easy to think Nikain was her older brother, rather than her twin. Both were had short, wavy blond hair. Kris had hers tied up in a ponytail it was just long enough to stay in--and not completely, as there were flyaway strands that floated around her face. Nikain's was only a few inches shorter, and it stood out wildly, as if he had slept on it and not bothered to comb his hair. That, and a few days of stubble on his chin, gave him a very eccentric look. They both had gray eyes, though Nikain's were a little lighter than his sister's, and their shade was a little close to green. He didn't look exactly normal, but he had a handsome smile, though he didn't use it often. It probably could have melted a girl's heart--and it was that smile that kept him from looking like...some kind of wild animal. And Krissen...

Krissen is...a very attractive young woman. He left it at that. There was something about Krissen he didn't quite understand, something different from the other girls he knew, but he couldn't place it.

"Zedd, I'd like you to meet my brother, Nikain Heransra. Nikain, this is my friend, Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander."

"You remembered my name!" Zedd said in amazement. He stood to greet Nikain. "Your sister tells me you are a scholar?"

"Yes, I..." Nikain's eye wandered to the book Zedd had got out, intending to get some reading done before Kris showed up. His eyes widened. "Is that Jindan's Chronicles? How on earth did you get your hands on that?"

"Well, I was studying in Carthak at the time--"

Zedd and Nikain began a discussion about the book. Krissen put up with it for a while, but...well, it became boring. She couldn't follow their discussion--they used several words she didn't know, and the fact that she didn't understand the subject matter confused her further. She didn't want to disturb them, though, so she began looking through the book Zedd gave her. After ten minutes, the two men showed no signs of stopping. In fact, they were even deeper in conversation.

They were having one of those scholarly arguments. Krissen had seen Nikain get into one of them, when she'd visited him in Tyra. Those things could go for hours, with neither participant budging from their original position.

She had to do something.

"Ah...aren't you forgetting something?" she asked Zedd, tapping his shoulder. He spun to face her.

"You mean that Jindan was too young at the outset of the war to truly understand what impetus propelled it? He had references to both Idira and Willser to--"

Krissen shook her head quickly. "I mean, are you going to teach me Tortallan or not?"

It was only then that Zedd realized he'd been neglecting her, and felt awful for it. "That's right, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot! So, Nikain, if we could continue our discussion at a later time--"

"All right," Nikain replied. "I'll get out of your way." He got up and left, and Kris took the seat he vacated.

"Ah, before we get started, I've been meaning to ask--what's the cost of these lessons?" she asked.

"No charge. I know you're pressed for money, and it's no trouble teaching you."

"I can't just let you teach me for nothing!" Kris cried in exasperation and--perhaps--incomprehension?

She's a mercenary, Zedd rationalized. She probably doesn't do much of anything without some sort of compensation, and that's why she doesn't understand why I would...

"I don't need money. Teaching you is a privilege, not a chore."

"I still feel like I have to give you something." She blushed, realizing how that offer could be taken, and coughed. "Ah, I mean, is there anything you'd like to learn that I could teach you?"

"I would like to learn to use a weapon..." Zedd began thoughtfully.

"Maybe I could teach you the sword," Kris replied brightly.

"Could you? I already know some..."

Kris's face fell. "You're probably a little old, though," she sighed. Zedd looked up at her, not realizing how much pleading was in his eyes. Krissen saw it and relented.
"It will take a lot of work, and a lot of time," she said softly. "But you will be able to learn, if you try hard enough."

"Then that will be payment enough. More than enough."

"It's only fair." She smiled, and Zedd found himself returning the smile.

"On with the lesson, then," he said.

"That's not bad, but if you brought your sword up to block more quickly, you wouldn't have gotten off balance." Kris allowed Zedd to go retrieved the sword that she had knocked form his hands. "Let's try that again, and see if you can bring your sword up faster, nata?" She threw in a Tusaine word, something that meant the equivalent of "understood?" or just "okay?"

"All right."

"Ready?"

They crossed swords, and Kris immediately circled around to chop down at him, and he countered quickly. Zedd was feeling rather please with himself when--

Mithros, she's cutting again for the other side!

There was no way he cold block in time, and Krissen couldn't stop quickly enough to avoid hitting him. She managed to turn her sword, so she at least hit him with the flat of her blade, but it still stung like hell.

That's going to leave a nice bruise...

"You've got to stay awake, Zedd!" she shouted, putting her hands on her hips. "One good block certainly's not going to end a duel!"

"I'm...I'm sorry." Zedd blushed.

"Don't be sorry, get it right! All right, now, I'm going to cut at your left," she said slowly, as if addressing a young child. She moved her blade slowly through the air to illustrate her point. "And then, after you block, I'm going to try for your right. You will block that, too. Nata?"

Zedd nodded. He blocked the first blow perfectly, but a bird flew by the window, breaking his concentration. He didn't put nearly enough strength into his second block, and the blow from her sword made him stumble. He probably wouldn't have fallen, though, if he hadn't inadvertently hooked the hilt of Kris's sword with his blade, bringing them both down.

And Krissen was lying on top of him.

He blushed furiously, feeling his heart speed up. He hoped that she couldn't feel it...

He couldn't help but notice what good shape she was in. He seemed to be aware of her every muscle, and there didn't seem to be an ounce of unnecessary fat on her body. He could feel her chest rise and fall with quick, nervous breaths--and her face was just as beet-red as his was.

After a moment's hesitation to try (and fail miserably) to collect her thoughts, Kris stood up. "Do...do not let outside distractions your concentration sway," she said, sounding extremely flustered. Her phrasing was slipping, as it usually did when he was nervous. She didn't understand her feelings at all, and they were threatening to control her--

She couldn't let that happen. Last time she had lost control, the results had been death. And if she lost control now, she would kill her friend, one of the only friends she had...

I will not let myself get out of control again, she told herself firmly, and locked the emotion away.

"Zedd? Zedd, where are you?"

Now that was odd. Zedd awoke, and realized it had been a dream. And the next thing he realized was that the girl in his dream had not been Kahlan.

It was Krissen. Wearing Kahlan's dress, in Carthak, but definitely Krissen.

But why would he mistake Kris for Kahlan in the first place? The two were so different, and yet there was something similar about them...

He was too tired to think any more on it though, and fell back asleep before he could come up with any answers.

Perhaps it was because she wasn't having a very good day. Or maybe she'd come to expect verbal abuse as a part of weapons training. Or maybe...well, the cause doesn't matter. It's what Kris did--and what happened afterward--that's important.

Anyway, she lost her patience with Zedd. She had pent up her fear and anger for so long, that she couldn't hold it in any longer if she tried. He had been doing well, enough to get some praise from Krissen. But then she surprised him, with a cut he'd never seen before. She brought her sword down, like she had before, but not to come in contact with his. Instead, she brought it back up, hooked the hilt of his sword, and sent it flying. He stood there for a moment in shock.

"You are hopeless!" she cried. "Hopeless and stupid! I've seen children better than you! You're lucky you guessed right on what end of the sword to pick up! Why do I even try?" Her insults got worse, and she began throwing out words in Tusaine. And it was probably a good thing Zedd didn't know what they meant...

"I'll do better," he said softly. I'm such an idiot, why didn't I see what she was planning to do?

"Damn right you better!" Kris snapped. "Because you sure as hell couldn't do much worse! You mean to say you've never seen a cut like that?"

Could he do nothing right? Was he completely incapable of learning? Zedd couldn't know just how volatile Kris's situation was, or he might not have taken her insults so personally. She was really just venting-when bottled up, emotions tend to build until they must be released, and usually with explosive force. And Krissen felt better after letting out those emotions, which only made Zedd feel worse. The way he saw it, she was pleased with herself for finally saying what she truly though of him. Why didn't she just order him out of the room? Did she want to inflict on him more suffering?

And why did her rejection sting so much? He'd been jilted before, but this hurt more than any of those refusals had. He didn't want to get even, as he had in other situations-it angered him that he had even thought of hurting her. He knew for some reason that he could never hurt her, no matter what she said or did to him. And he hadn't felt that way about anyone since-

Kahlan.

His dream began to make a little more sense. Zedd hadn't believe he could love again, but now he wasn't so sure...

"Miss Keliri?" a page said, coming into the room. Krissen hesitated a moment before answering-she still wasn't used to that new last name.

"Yes?" she said.

"There's a package waiting for you at your residents, but instructions were to give this to you in person." He handed her an envelope, bobbed his head in a short bow, and scurried off.

Kris looked at the return address and blinked back tears. She seemed to forget Zedd, and began to read the letter.

What is in the letter that's making her cry? he wondered.

"Your lesson's over," Kris said shortly, holding back tears with all her will. "What are you waiting for? Go!" she added. Zedd walked out the door quickly, unsure of what to think. Krissen cleaned up the room hastily and went home to read what Ashira had written.

She curled up on her bed and began to cry, watching the clouds gather through the open window. So alone...Kris always cried alone, it wouldn't do her any good to have anyone see her cry. And it was usually out of loneliness that she cried...

But loneliness is better than loss, she argued with herself. And if I have no one to lose, I cannot feel the pain of loss. Ashira's death hurt me because I let her close to me. I don't have anyone left to lose, except for Nikain. A voice in her head asked her to amend that, but she paid no attention to it. Who else cared about her but her brother?

If I close myself off, I will feel no pain. Ashira was the only one stubborn enough to get into my shell. My loneliness is emptiness, and emptiness give me numbness, and numbness a life without pain.

It was even harder to believe herself than usual. Her shell felt extremely fragile now, and one slip could shatter it, leaving her exposed.

And my Gift would lash out. She was certain that if she let emotion out, her Gift would come with it, and she didn't know what it would do. Level the city of Corus? If I'm lucky, I just kill whoever's near me. Oh, Mithros, why don't you do the world a favor and strike me down?

As if it were an omen, a bolt of lightning snaked down from the heavens and struck somewhere nearby. The crash it made deafened her for a moment, and she curled up even tighter. When the rain came in through the open window, she didn't much care. The raindrops only hid the tears on her face, the cold wing the shivering in her heart.

And she remembered what Ashira had written about drowning in sorrow. She felt terrible for disobeying Ashira's wishes, but she didn't know what else to do.

After sulking for a few hours, Kris brought herself to look at the things Ashira had left. Among them was a necklace, that Kris thought was rather pretty--it had some kind of charm on it, and it was bespelled in some way, judging from the slight change she felt as she put it on. Probably some protective or healing charm--well, it certainly wouldn't hurt. Ashira was a healer, she had more types of charms and amulets than Kris cared to think about.

Is this some sort of sign for me to learn to heal?

When Zedd and Kris met at the library the next morning, it was still pouring down rain outside, although the thunder had stopped. Kris wore a dark blue cloak that was also a remnant of her time with the company--is she ever out of uniform? wondered Zedd--and a necklace he'd not seen her wear before.

Which is not to say he'd not seen its type. He blushed, and tried to hide it but pulling his book closer to his face. I really have been played for a fool, haven't I? If she needs that, I'd say I'm just about hopeless. Unless... He felt his face get hotter, and shook his head. I shouldn't be thinking of her in that way! We're teacher and student, and from the way she acts, she's not all that fond of me! Bags, I don't even know her all that well!

The fact that the idea appalled him was satisfying, in a way. So what I feel for her isn't just lust...but what is it?

"What do you think of this necklace?" Kris asked. At first Zedd thought she was trying to rub it in his face, but he realized she was asking a serious question.

"Do you know what the symbol means?" Zedd replied, unsure of what to tell her.

"Some sort of healing charm, right? Ashira left it to me."

"It...ah...it's bespelled..." he stuttered. It wasn't nervousness so much as embarrassment, and if he hadn't already been blushing he would have started now. "It's purpose is to, um...well, to keep you from getting pregnant when you...yeah."

Now it was Krissen's turn to blush. She pulled it off her neck and stuffed it into her pocket. "Well, I certainly won't be needing that," she grumbled.

Zedd breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't realized how worried he was that she was seeing someone else. And if she had needed that necklace...

Just be glad it was all a mistake.

"Can we start my lesson now?" Kris asked.

"All right," Zedd replied. "Do you have that sheet of verbs with you? I want to see how you've done at conjugating them..."

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Zedd knew he was making progress--by now, he was better than he had been when he left his parent's home on Port Legann, despite five years out of practice. I'm doing better than she thought I would, I know that--so why does she feel the need to pound me into the ground like a tent peg?

He knew she had a short temper, but other than that she was a good teacher--how much he'd learned in the last month was proof of that. Or was it just his eagerness to please her?

The squires and Riders come to her for advice, even. It's not just me, she's good. He felt proud of her, rather than jealous. She had picked up the Tortallan quickly--but she did know a lot, it was just a matter of teaching her the grammar right. No matter how angry she got at him, he never wanted to get revenge on her, though it was beginning to take a toll on his self-esteem...

That last string of insults had me an inch from crying. What have I been doing so wrong? I've been making lots of progress! Does she expect some kind of miracle? If he could never meet her expectations, what worth did he have?

He was waiting for his lesson as Kris demonstrated a complex move to one of the older squires. He always liked watching her do more complicated stuff, especially when she could show off her speed. Her movements were smooth and graceful, as well as beautiful--with a sword, that is. At other times, she seemed almost--well, clumsy. At the moment she had a bruise that resulted from falling down the stairs in her brother's dwelling.

I haven't seen her use her Gift once, though. That was disturbing. For most people with the Gift, using it was natural, even in little things like lighting candles or calling fire. But if Kris hadn't mentioned it, he wouldn't have realized she even had it.

It's not just disturbing; it isn't healthy, either. People who repressed their Gift usually had some sort of bad experience with it in the past. What happened to her?

"You ready, Zedd?" Kris called.

"Yeah!" Zedd stood up and picked up his sword.

"First, let's go over what you know." With no more warning than that, she swung at his side. By now, though, Zedd knew to expect this, and was ready to block. He blocked every blow she tried, and then attacked a few times. She always caught his blade before it could get near her, but he was doing the moves he'd been taught smoothly, and at full speed.

"Good work," Kris said. "Though you were wobbling on the second offensive. Let's run through it a few more times, nata?"

"Nata," Zedd replied, and tried again.

"Would you like to come to dinner with me?" Zedd asked after the lesson, as he toweled as much sweat as he could out of his hair. "I'm going down to the Griffin's Egg, if you're interested." He named an inn just a little down the street from where Kris and Nikain lived, known for the quality-and price-of its food. Nikain had taken her there, and her meal had been superb, but expensive. And Zedd was offering to take her there?!

"I..." Kris's eyes grew wide. She'd never been asked anywhere...she wanted to go, yet there was something holding her back.

I can't get too attached... The desire to go with him was strong, stronger than she'd realized it was. It's too late.

"I'm sorry, I can't..." she stuttered. "Good-bye!" She left in a hurry, her face turning bright red. Emotions of fear, embarrassment, and anger battled to take control of her as she hurried down the hall and out of the palace.

Fear, as usual, won out. I can't stay here, she told herself. I can't let him get close to me...

A voice somewhere inside her asked "Why not?" but she ignored it. I've stayed here too long. I can't stay anywhere too long. I must become a traveler, moving from place to place, so I have no roots to pull...

"What are you-" Zedd began. He looked at the paper-it was written for more than she could afford-

Kris pressed the note into his hand. "I insist," she said. "I'm not hurting for money. The company sent me a bonus... Thank you for teaching me, Zedd. Good-bye." Kris turned quickly, but Zedd caught her hand.

"Wait!" he said. "Where are you going?"

"I don't know, somewhere that I'm useful."

"You're useful here! You're my teacher-and half the squires trust your knowledge above their own knights. The Riders want to hire you to teach swordwork-"

"I can't stay here," Kris said quickly. I've become too attached to you, I can't stay with you, I'll only be hurt-She pulled her hand away.

"Kris!" Zedd called after her, as she took off at a run. He followed her to the stairs-

And everything seemed to move in slow motion, as Kris slipped, then tumbled down the entire flight of stairs. He could see her arms, back, and head hitting the stone, hear her agonized cry-it was almost too much to take. He ran to her side.

"Get a healer!" he shouted at a page that was watching, too shocked to act immediately. But now the page scampered off, as Zedd tried to remember the little healing he knew. He had lost Kahlan, he didn't know if he could bear losing Kris too...how could he go on without either of them?

The two were so different, and yet the same...they both had tempers, but were kind people at heart. Intelligent, in a way so vibrant and alive-

Well, one of them isn't any more, Zedd thought, and the idea didn't hurt him so much as it had. Time did heal loss. And the other...

"Please, speak to me," he begged, forgetting to control his emotions, forgetting everything but himself and Kris. He pulled her gently into his lap, where she didn't look quite as pathetic as she had lying sprawled at the foot of the stairs. His eyes misted, and soon, his tears were splashing onto Kris's shirt. He felt for a pulse and found one, and breathed a sigh of relief.

For a moment, her eyes fluttered open. "There are two of you..." she began.

"Kris!" He found himself smiling, though the tears didn't stop. "I've called for a healer, you'll be all right..."

"Everything hurts," she whispered, the pain showing in her faces, as she tried to speak through her clenched teeth. "Can't-stay..." She lost consciousness again.

The page returned with a robed man in tow. Zedd recognized him vaguely, a healer called Kirin. He gave Kris a quick examination.

"Her neck and back seem to be okay, which is a miracle, the fall she took," Kirin said. "But I think she's got a concussion. Do you think you can carry her down to the healing hall?"

Zedd nodded shortly-Krissen didn't look all that heavy. He lifted her carefully, trying not to jar her. Despite his best efforts she still cried out, then clenched her teeth as tears squeezed out of her tightly shut eyes.

"You'll be okay," he whispered, knowing she must be in agony. "I'm taking you to the healers, you're going to be fine..."

She wasn't as light as she looked, and Zedd's arms and back were aching by the time he could lay her down on one of the beds in the hall. It was a good thing he'd been working out recently, or he wouldn't have been able to carry her for nearly as long.

Kirin looked over Kris again, more carefully this time. She watched him with eyes full of pain, tears running down her face.

"The worst thing, I think, is probably the shattered kneecap."

"Shattered-" Zedd winced in sympathy. "What can you do?"

"We can repair most of the damage, but she's going to have something of a limp for the rest of her life. If it had set for any time at all-well, she might not walk again, but if we get started right away..."

Zedd watched numbly as the healer began to work. Her injury wasn't life-threatening-but-

Without the full use of that leg, she'll feel even more useless. She may never get another fighting position, but she could still teach, and stay here. If only I could convince her somehow... He thought about how he would go about that for quite a while.

"Why are you here?" Kris asked.

"I've been waiting for you to wake up. How are you feeling?" Zedd replied.

"Terrible. How long have you been waiting?"

"It's been about a day."

"I feel like an idiot," she confided in him. "I fell down the stairs." She laughed bitterly.

"No one expects you to be perfectly graceful," Zedd added quickly. "Some of us like you the way that you are."

"But-I'm not-I heard what the healer said about my knee! I could never get into a company with an injury like that! Now where can I go?"

"Is being in a company the only thing you can do? Why don't you stay?"

"I can't. I've stayed too long. All it does is hurt me."

"So, rather than facing your pain and fear, you ran away," Zedd replied calmly, his face unreadable.

"I didn't just 'run away', I-"

"And now you want to run away again." He sighed, letting disappointment creep into his voice. "What good has it done you? Look at it on a physical level, if you must. You tried to run away, and you shattered your knee."

"Well, I-"

"Or maybe you should go, if you're not happy here," Zedd interrupted. "But then, have you ever been happy anywhere?"

"Have I..." Kris drifted off.

Three children playing tag, one much older than the other two, but they made it up in energy. Two boys and a girl, all three blond, the girl with a wreath of white flowers in her hair. She wore breeches like the boys, though, and had no trouble keeping up with her brothers.

Kris's eyes were open, but she was seeing a springtime meadow in Scanra instead of the inside of the Healer's wing. "When I was young, before they forced me to conform, I was happy..." she began.

"Come on Kris!" Ashira called.

"There were times when I was in the company."

All of a sudden, things became quite a bit clearer.

I'm only happy when I'm with people, isolation just makes things worse? What's life if you've never lived, if you only sit back and watch? I wanted to find a life of excitement and adventure, and I never let myself find it! What is life if you keep to yourself, never letting anyone touch you? A life completely alone, full of loneliness, the loneliness I hate, but thought was better than loss...

But I have no friends here... her old self protested, but Kris's new way of thinking shoved it away.

I have my twin brother, he loves me. And Zedd would be a friend, if he had a chance- That brought her train of thought to a screeching halt. She certainly hadn't given him a chance. There's an understatement. I've been treating him like dirt, only worse. Dirt just gets stepped on, not abused...

Zedd was feeling rather pleased with himself. His idea seemed to be working, as he could see that Kris was thinking. However, he did not expect her next reaction.

"I'm sorry, Zedd...I'm so sorry..." she whispered.

"Sorry about what?" he replied, looking up.

"How I've treated you. How cruel I've been." She was crying again.

"Please don't cry, it hurts me so much to see you crying,' Zedd begged.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to hurt you." She laughed bitterly again. "But then, isn't hurting you what I do best?"

"No, you're a much better swordswoman. Kris, I forgive you. I'll forgive you anything, so long as you stay."

"But-I don't deserve this..." Kris replied.

"You deserve to be happy, and you've gotten very little of that. True happiness, not just shallow joy. Plus, I'm selfish enough to want you here."

At first she struggled, seeing her attachment to Zedd-as well as Corus-as she would in the old way, as bindings that would have to be broken for her to live free. But now...

"And...why else do you want me to stay?" she asked softly.

"Because I love you, Kris. And if all your insults couldn't keep me away from you, nothing will."

"Do you think I didn't know?!" she cried, sitting bolt upright. Her head swan dizzily for a moment, then calmed down. I didn't think I knew, either, but... "I tried to push you away!" Her tone changed from anger to sarcasm. "You fell in love with me just to spite me, didn't you? Just trying to force me to stick with you, just because I love you or something. You bastard! You make me sick!"

"Thank you," Zedd replied. "So, you're staying?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"Well, if you really don't want to-"

"No, that's quite all right!" she interrupted, then blushed. "I mean, those Riders need someone to teach them."

"Right. You're just staying for the Riders."

"Yes. That's all." She paused. "Though I might be able to give a certain person more lessons, if he's interested. For a price."

"Mercenary," Zedd muttered.

"To the core. Care to teach me magic?"

She had come out of her shell even further than he'd thought, acknowledging her Gift like that. Perhaps he did have a chance...

"Do I have a choice?" Zedd sighed mockingly.

"No, you don't." Kris laughed, her first real laughter. You know, I could really get used to this "living" thing, she thought to herself. And I like being happy-though I've got a lot of learning to do in both areas. But at least-she looked over to Zedd and smiled. -At least I've got a good teacher.