Part Five—Take a Chance on Me
Steveite stared out the window. It’d been a while since he’d heard from Klausite. Almost...he checked his calendar...five months. Huh. He sensed that something might’ve happened and went to report it to Queen Beryl.
His Queen was annoyed--her generals hadn’t been too good at sewing, and her shirt that had once said Negaverse now said Neg ver. Therefore, she set Steveite on the task of locating Klausite--not to mention the letters A, S, and E.
Zoisite and a smaller version of herself stood in front of Malachite, cackling evilly. They then began ordering him around, demanding Evian, better Internet access, and the little one wanted his cape. The world began to spin around him...
Malachite sat straight up in bed. Zoisite was still sitting in front of the computer--and looking rather awkward, I might add, considering that she was seven months pregnant. Yes, in a feeble attempt to advance a plot that was going nowhere, the author skipped five boring months to get to where the excitement started again.
He looked beside him, at the notebook where he was writing his songs. He had reached a blank--only so many words rhymed with Zoisite, and after using bright, light, night, fight, and sight, all that came to mind was termite, and he didn’t think Zoisite would like that.
"You liked me better when I was a boy, didn’t you?" Zoisite said out of nowhere.
Why does the author always stick me with the questions like that? Malachite wondered. "Of course not. I like you just the way you are."
"This survey here says they never should’ve turned me into a girl."
"Not much you can do about that, is there?"
Zoisite sighed. "I guess not." She stared at the screen in silence for a few moments. "Hey, I found a John Lennon shrine."
"Really?" Malachite jumped up and ran to look over her shoulder. He pushed her out of the seat and began scrolling through the page like he knew what he was doing. Just as I thought. Zoisite hid a sob. He likes that Lennon guy more than he likes me....
"I still say it’s curses," muttered Garth. "And there’s no response to the ransom note I sent last week, same as the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that, and the one before that, and…"
"We know what you’re getting at, Mr. Brooks," Mellotron sneered. "And we don’t understand either."
"It’s because the real Zoisite is still with that hunkster Malachite!" Klausite yelled.
"That’s quite enough out of you, Zoisite!" Mellotron yelled. "We don’t exactly need you alive, y’know."
Klausite gulped.
"Yes we do. If we kill her, Malachite will have no reason not to do the same to us," Garth said.
"You idiot! You forget how powerful we have become! Three times as powerful as those miserable Spice Girls!"
"Then why don’t we attack the Sailor Scouts and forget about Malachite?"
Mellotron looked perplexed. In the months of trying to get a response from Malachite, this truly had not occurred to any of his personalities. Well, he’d better sound good...
"All righty then. We have a plan…"
Jadeite made a mental note not to go on any more double dates with Nephlyte and Molly. That Melvin kid had shown up--again--and thrown must of Jadeite’s dinner at Molly’s boyfriend. But then again, it had nearly ruined that awful suit he was always wearing, at least until he could get it dry cleaned. And his uniform looked really silly with platforms...
He sighed. Mina looked at him and sighed. Molly looked at them both and sighed. "Next to that suit of Nephlyte’s, Melvin is starting to look attractive," she whispered to Mina. She began giggling, then laughing out loud, until milk sprayed out her nose.
"Mina, are you okay?" Jadeite asked hurriedly. Mina coughed.
"I’m fine," she said.
"Oh no! My guitar lesson!" Nephlyte jumped up and ran home. Melvin took his place at the table.
"Get lost, Melvin," Molly said.
Jadeite began drumming on the table with his fork and knife. A moment later, Mina caught on and began hitting the water glasses with her spoon. The result was a remarkable rendition of something that might have been the theme song of I Dream of Jeannie. Then again, it might’ve been something else. It was impossible to tell.
Molly applauded anyway.
Serena had never realized how boring five months of no Negaverse could be. She’d gone through so much chocolate that she was actually beginning to gain weight. This, of course, had the other scouts very nervous.
"I thought that we were anime characters! Our perfect bodies are part of the package!" Lita said.
"The Negaverse is gone. These sailor meetings are getting redundant," sighed Raye, looking out the window at a still-blond Chad.
"Quite honestly, the probability of an attack now is so slight as to not be considered," Ami said. Everyone else got sweatdrops.
"We have to be on guard," Luna insisted.
"Yeah, guys. We never did completely defeat them!" Mina said optimistically--it wasn’t exactly an optimistic statement, but Mina could say anything cheerfully.
"Well, actually, by the end of the first season, all the members of the Negaverse were defeated," Serena said.
"Shh! Don’t tell Jadeite that!" Mina said.
"Yeah, that’s right! And I saw some of them die, too. What’s going on?" wondered Raye.
"It’s just an overused fanfic device, bringing back the Negaverse Generals/Dark Kingdom Kings," Ami said knowledgeably.
"Yeah, like in my favorite fanfic! The one where Malachite and Zoisite come back!" Serena said.
"Uh...which one?" wondered Lita.
"Y’know, the one where they do all the stuff and…you know..." Serena drifts off and Lita gets a sweatdrop.
Klausite was sad. Really sad. He had been locked in a bedroom. No cute guys. Garth and Mellotron didn’t even come close to Malachite or Tuxedo Mask. Even Melvin was better looking than Garth. He was so bored that he began to do strange things.
"Bok, bok! Braaaaaaaak!! Hey! I’m a chicken!! BOK!!!!!!" He quickly sat down. Being locked in a room was getting to him.
He turned on the small TV in the corner. Funny, it was shaped like an astronaut’s helmet.
"It’s the Chicken Channel! All chicken, all the time!" a woman said. Klaus quickly changed the channel.
"It’s the Pork Channel! All pork, all the time!" the same woman said. Klaus changed the channel again.
"It’s the Turkey Channel! All turkey, all the time!" the same woman said.
"What GIVES?!?!?!" Klaus yelled.
"Go back to the Pork channel! We don’t want to miss All my Piglets!!!" Mellotron cried, bursting in. This was Klausite’s chance. He bolted out the door and transported back to the Negaverse.
"Malachite, you’ve been on there for hours," whined Zoisite.
"Now you know how I felt!" Malachite yelled.
"Okay, okay, I’m sorry. Forgive and forget. Will you get off now?" She stood next to him, making one of those "could you say no to this face?" faces. Malachite didn’t even look.
"Not yet," he said. "Just fifteen more minutes. I promise."
"That’s what you said an hour ago."
"Why don’t you go practice the drums?"
"The neighbors’ll kill me!" They had talked Zoisite into learning the drums, but the last time she tried to practice, it took all four ex-generals to keep the other residents from destroying her drumset.
Zoisite leaned over Malachite’s shoulder and got a sweatdrop. "What the hell is that? John Lennon in the nude? What kind of sites are you looking at?!?!"
"It’s an album cover. And you’re twice as attractive, love."
"Then why are you staring at him like that?" Finally, Malachite looked at her.
"You really don’t like him, do you?" he said.
"You like that Lennon guy more than you like me..." she whimpered.
"No, I don’t."
"Shut up! I know you’re gonna leave me to go to England and find him and--" Malachite was laughing. "What?" Zoisite snapped.
"Um...for one thing, I’m pretty sure John was heterosexual. Was being the operative word, Zoisite. He’s been dead for nearly seventeen years."
"He has?" It took a moment to sink into her head. She’d prepared that whole speech about how he had no chance with a rock star for nothing?
"Yup. Mark David Chapman shot him outside the Dakota in New York on the night of December 8th, 1980. And even if he was still alive, he’d be with Yoko Ono, and I’d be with you. There’s no question of that." He took a rose from his cape. "You know what you mean to me."
"Oh, Malachite, you’re wonderful. Would you be wonderful enough to give me a turn on the computer?" Malachite got a sweatdrop and made a mental note to find a new florist. These roses were defective.
"Jake, whaddaya think?" asked Nephlyte, showing off his new guitar. He’d gotten into a temper about not being able to play "The House of the Rising Sun" just perfectly last week and blasted his first one.
"What?" Jake said, staring blankly at the wall.
"Never mind." Nephlyte got a sweatdrop, thinking he should’ve known better than to expect a coherent answer out of Jake. The guy was on more narcotic substances than a member of Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
Nephlyte began fingerpicking "House of the Rising Sun" and was feeling very pleased with himself when Jake said out of nowhere, "I found a gig for you."
"Really?" squeaked Nephlyte. "I have got to get the band together for this." In a few moments, all four members were standing in Nephlyte’s living room.
"Now what?" yawned Jadeite.
"Jake found a gig for us!"
All four ex-generals went off on a little fantasy trip about their first concert. Nephlyte saw flashing lights and a dance floor full of people in disco apparel, groovin’ to the funky beat while he danced across the stage in tall platforms and a leisure suit. Jadeite saw himself in a collarless suit, playing his bass as hundreds of screaming girls tore their hair out and called his name. Malachite saw himself sitting at a white grand piano in a park, singing "Imagine" while the audience swayed and waved lighters. Zoisite saw a stage lit in psychedelic colors, and she played her drums while people moshed and crowdsurfed.
"Well, Jake? Where is it?" Jadeite asked.
"What?" Jake said.
"The gig, Jake? Where’d you get us a gig?" demanded Nephlyte, about ready to pull his hair out.
"What gig?"
"Ours, damnit!" Malachite growled.
"Oh. Oh, yeah. Here." He gave Nephlyte a flier, and the other generals looked over his shoulder as he read aloud.
"Crossroads Junior High back to school dance. Live music and free food. Bring a friend from another school. Tickets are $3.50 in advance, $4.50 at the door." They exchanged looks--Jadeite looked to Malachite, who looked to Nephlyte, who looked to Zoisite, who looked to Jake, who wasn’t really looking at anything--and got a composite sweatdrop that obscured them long enough for the author to find another victim to write about.
"Rini, why are you just sitting there?" Darien asked.
"What do you mean, daddy?" Rini asked innocently.
"You aren’t . . . all over me! Are you sick?" Darien felt Rini’s forehead.
"Daddy, I’m fine! Mommy, what’s wrong with dad?"
"I think he’s just in shock. You’ve changed, Rini! And I certainly don’t mind! For once—" Serena was cut off.
"Serena! She’s dying, that’s why!! Wait . . . didn’t we want her to die?" Darien asked.
"Yeah, I think we did . . . So, what do we do?" Serena asked.
"I don’t know, Mommy, but why would anyone want me to die?" Rini asked.
"NOOOOO! SHE’S A PERFECT ANGEL!!! AHHH!!!!!!!!!" Serena and Darien screamed. They fainted. Diana, who had been watching the whole time, got a sweatdrop. She hopped on Rini’s head and they went outside.
Lita was doing her daily guy-scoping. She had a checklist. So far, 3,887 boys looked just like her old boyfriend, 3 only showed a slight resemblance.
"How come I’ve had so many old boyfriends, but I never seem to have a new one?" Lita whimpered. Suddenly, it started to rain. Lita looked very sad. "When I think about the first time . . ." A guy came and held an umbrella over her head.
"How many times do I have to do this? GET YOUR OWN UMBRELLA!!" Ken cried.
"Ken, I never realized it! You look just like my old boyfriend! You’re so dreamy . . ." Lita gazed at her "Rainy Day Man".
"You’re wearing out my umbrella. Maybe I should start sending my twin brother, Greg."
"You mean, Ami’s boyfriend?" Lita is a little slow sometimes.
"Maybe you should get a new umbrella!" Mina, who had been there the whole time, suggested. Lita got a sweatdrop.
"You’re supposed to be the ditzy one, Mina!" Lita argued. Mina smirked. Meanwhile, it had stopped raining, and Ken took down his umbrella.
"Well, I suppose you won’t be needing me anymore," Ken said.
"No, wait, Ken! Where are you going?"
"Nobody asks where Tux goes after he saves the Sailor Scouts! Goodbye!" Ken jumped, floated in midair for a moment, then vanished with a bit of Spanish guitar in the background.