Part Two—Rock’n’Roll Star
"Maxfield!" Molly cried. She was shopping at K-Mart and had run into her love. Her "Love" was shopping with Jadeite. If there was one thing Jadeite hated, it was Molly’s voice.
"Oh, hello, Molly. You look lovely this morning!" Nephlyte exclaimed.
"Oh, Maxfield, you always say that! So, how are you?" He and Molly stood by the freezer section as Jadeite looked at canned orange juice.
Meanwhile, in another part of K-Mart . . .
"Blue!!" Zoisite screeched.
"Black!!" Malachite growled.
"BLUE!!"
"BLACK!!"
"BLUE!!!"
"BLACK!!" Malachite and Zoisite were arguing over which color of Tupperware to get. So far, neither was winning.
"Idea! Why not get both?" an employee said. Simultaneously, Malachite and Zoisite turned and blasted him. They resumed arguing. Zoisite zoied Malachite and frizzed his hair.
"THAT’S IT! For that, Zoisite, you’re gonna pay!" Malachite got out a huge feather and started to tickle Zoisite.
"Malachite, um, shouldn’t you save that for later? This isn’t the place, nor the time," Zoisite giggled. The DiC editors struck down.
"SUGGESTIVE PHRASE!! CUT! CUT!"
"Oh, shut UP!" Zoisite cried. "ZOI!!!" she yelled, striking down the editors. Malachite put a dome around them, and it began to shrink. He and Zoisite walked off, leaving them there.
"Help us!!" the editors yelled, but no one could hear, for the dome was practically nothing.
"Well, Zoisite, let’s not get the Tupperware, hmm?" Malachite suggested. A little teamwork with Zoisite could always stop a fight.
"All right, Mal. We don’t need it. Now how about tablecloths, hmm? Do we need any of those? No, we don’t. Lawn furniture? Why DID we come here, Mally?" Zoisite asked. Malachite shrugged and they went to find Jadeite and Nephlyte . . .
. . . who happened to be still in the freezer section.
"But you really DO look lovely today!" Nephlyte laughed.
"If you insist, Maxfield. Oh! I’m sorry! You wanted me to call you Nephlyte! All right Neffy!" Molly giggled. Jadeite cringed. "Neffy" stuck his tongue out.
"There you are! Hi, Molly," Zoisite said. "How are you two little lovebirds, eh?"
"Quit meddling, Zoey," Malachite told her. She sulked.
"Now, you know tormenting people is something I’m good at!" Zoisite protested.
"And that’s about it," Nephlyte muttered. Zoisite gave him an evil look.
"You’re sure one to talk about being lovebirds!" Jadeite laughed.
"What do you mean by that?" Zoisite asked innocently. Jadeite got a sweatdrop.
"Well, we’re ready to leave when you--"
"Hey, Zoisite, putting on a little weight?" laughed Nephlyte.
"I, uh, guess you could say that..." Zoisite said, blushing.
"That’s why you had that book! You’re pregnant! Am I right?" Jadeite said.
"Yeah." Zoisite blushed even redder.
"Congratulations! D’you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?" Nephlyte asked.
"I’m pretty sure it’s one or the other..."
"Somehow I can’t picture you as a father..." Jadeite told Malachite, then shrugged. "I guess there’s a first time for everything."
"Why didn’t you tell us before? It’s not like you thought you could hide it forever," Nephlyte said.
"Huh? I can’t?" Zoisite sighed. Even Malachite giggled at that.
"It’s not impossible, I guess, but it would be very, very difficult..." he said.
"They should’ve redubbed you as a girl. You’re the one who knows about this stuff," Zoisite said. Then she gasped. "Since we got rid of them, do I go back to being a guy now? I mean, I kinda liked being a girl..."
"Only if someone goes to the effort of changing you again, which would be rather difficult considering...uh..." Malachite cleared his throat. "Yeah. So I guess not."
"Though I did kinda enjoy the looks people gave me when I wore a skirt, or..."
"Spare us, Zoisite," Jadeite gagged.
A girl walked up to Malachite. "Cool hair, man. Where’d you get the dye?"
"Huh?" Malachite looked at her strangely.
"The hair dye, man. To get it all cool like that." She put her hands on her hips, raising a pierced eyebrow.
"I don’t use hair dye! Ruin my hair? No way."
"Y’mean it’s just naturally like that? Oh, how groovy!"
"Thanks," Malachite smiled charmingly, and Zoisite began broiling.
"He’s mine," she snapped, holding onto his arm.
The girl laughed. "I don’t want him, I just like his hair! Well, my name’s Kate. Look me up if you’re ever at the arcade." She walked away.
"Did you have to flirt with her like that?" hissed Zoisite.
"I can’t help it if I have admirers!" He touched his hair. "Though, considering my impeccable style, you’d think I should at least have an official fan club..."
"There probably is one, somewhere online," Jadeite sighed. "I wish I had a fan club."
"I thought that was Mina . . ." Zoisite said, laughing wildly. She fell to the floor, rolling with laughter.
"I don’t know her," Malachite said, edging away.
"Oh yes you do, silly! I’m your wife!" She attached herself to him. Feeling that it was absolutely necessary, he blasted her. She shook her head rapidly and zoied him. He made an impolite hand gesture and walked away to find a bathroom to brush his hair in.
"Do they always fight like this?" Molly asked Nephlyte, while Zoisite stomped away in the other direction.
"All the time..." sighed Nephlyte.
In his Sailor Moon costume, Klausite burst into K-Mart. "Can I help you?" asked a polite employee.
"I do not need your help!" he yelled. "I’m SAILOR MOON!"
"That’s nice. Nautical supplies are in aisle twelve."
"Huh? Aren’t there crimes being committed? Honesty and liberty being suppressed?"
"You can find crime novels in aisle nineteen, cough suppressants in aisle six, and movies in the video department! Have a nice day!" The polite employee left.
"Sheesh. It’s so hard to find good crime scenes these days. Well, I could go pick up the latest Seventeen..." Klaus pranced towards the magazines.
Klausite was checking out YM when a really hot guy walked into the magazine aisle. "Malachite that frickin idiot of a..." he was muttering, and he picked up a Rolling Stone magazine.
"Hey, man," Klausite said.
"Leave me alone you--" Zoisite looked up. "Sailor Moon? What the hell are you doing here?"
"Shopping, waiting for something bad to happen so I can stop it, you know the drill."
"Try aisle seven. My boyfriend--well, husband--is being a dork."
"Excuse me--you’re a girl?" Klausite looked confused.
"You knew that, didn’t you? Malachite’s the bi one," Zoisite explained.
"Oh! Uh, yeah, whatever. See you round, uh, whatever your name is."
"Is something wrong? You’re even more ditzy than your usual self."
"No! Uh, something bad is happening! See you later! Bye!" Klausite ran.
Zoisite got suspicious and shouted "Zoi!" Klausite froze in his tracks.
"You’re not really Sailor Moon!" someone shouted behind her. It was Serena and her friends. Serena ran up to pull on Klausite’s face, and his rubber mask came off.
"Klausite! So it was you behind the ghosts at the amusement park!" Raye accused.
"And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you darn kids!" He looked at Chad, who was reading a guitar magazine. "Though Shaggy over there is pretty cute..."
"You can’t refer to him as Shaggy! Mars...fire..." Sailor Mars pointed.
"Yipe! I was just on my way out..." Klausite vanished.
"You must admit he is pretty scruffy looking..." said Sailor Jupiter.
"Hey! Who’re you calling scruffy looking?" Chad asked.
"Nerfherder."
"No fair! Tuxedo Mask didn’t even show up!" Klausite whined.
"You weren’t in trouble, Klausite. Though I supposed if I tried the same trick Zoisite and Malachite did, everyone would think that the authors had no fresh ideas and the story sucked. So I have to think of something new. This may take a while..."
Two hours later, Queen Beryl had an idea. "Klausite!"
Klausite awoke from his doze. "Huh? What?"
"We’re going to make Tuxedo Mask think that Sailor Moon has another guy. Get Steveite and go put on your Sailor Moon costume!"
"Zoisite, I already told you I'm sorry," Malachite said.
"And I already told you I'm not speaking to you."
"But you just did!" They were arguing outside of their apartment--which just happened to be next to Jadeite and Nephlyte's.
"I have to tell you I'm not speaking to you, or you wouldn't know."
"But if you already told me you're not speaking to me, why do you keep saying it?"
"You need reminders." She unlocked the door and walked inside.
"Are you going to start speaking to me again?"
"When you apologize."
"But I already did apologize!"
"You haven't apologized well enough yet..."
"What do you want me to do?" Malachite cried, exasperated.
Zoisite smiled. "I feel so powerful..." She opened up the refrigerator and took out a bottle of Evian. "Okay, uh, get down on your knees and balance an encyclopedia on your head."
"We don't have an encyclopedia," Malachite protested.
"This isn't working." Zoisite sipped her Evian. "Get down on one knee. It looks better."
"Okay, happy?" Malachite asked, shifting. Zoisite giggled.
"Yeah. Now I get to pour orange juice on your head."
"No way!" Malachite jumped away. "And you've already started speaking to me," he said smugly.
"I have not!" Zoisite yelled, turning her back on him.
Malachite sighed. "Have it your way. You always do."
"I know." She giggled again.
"You're lucky you're so beautiful."
"I'm still not speaking to you, Malachite."
The door to their apartment flew off its hinges, shattering on the television.
"You could knock!" Malachite yelled. Nephlyte ran into the room.
"Hey, guys, I just had this really great idea!" he said.
"What?" Zoisite yelled.
"We should start a band!"
Darien skipped down the street, realised he was skipping, blushed, and started walking normally. Hey, that looks like Serena! He shook his head. That skirt was awfully short, even for Serena. And she was walking with a guy...
Serena didn't normally prance around in her Sailor Moon outfit, so Darien figured it was just some fan and didn't give her a second look. He walked into the arcade. Some guy was playing "Blackbird" on his guitar, and people had stopped playing games to watch.
"Man, he's really good," Darien said to Andrew.
"Yeah, his name's Jake. He's started hanging out here, and it's really good for business." Jake finished playing, and Darien walked up to him.
"Hey, that was great!" he said. Jake looked up, at something past Darien's shoulder. He looked spacey and, well, stoned.
"What?" he asked slowly.
"You're a really good guitarist," Darien said slowly.
"Oh. Thanks man."
"He's been playing for six years, since he was twelve," said a voice. Darien looked up to see the speaker--a girl with a wavy black ponytail and an eyebrow ring.
"Hi, Kate," Andrew said. "Kate, meet Darien. Darien, Kate. She’s Jake’s sister."
"Hello, Darien," Kate said, shaking his hand and thinking Darien--where have I heard that name?
"But Nephlyte, none of us can play anything, we can’t sing, we can’t write music--what the hell are you talking about?" Zoisite demanded.
"But at least some of us look good, and we can always learn three chords! We’re perfect for the job!"
"I know we’re good looking, but why do you want to join, Nephlyte?" asked Malachite, putting an arm around Zoisite. She turned around.
"How good d’you think you’ll look with an ice crystal--"
"Hey!" Malachite jumped away.
"Guys, guys, don’t hurt each other. Can’t we all just get along?" Nephlyte said. Zoisite grinned.
"I wouldn’t hurt him anywhere obvious," she said, tossing an ice crystal causally with her right hand. "But he’d make an even nicer girl than I do."
Malachite squeaked and turned pale. He pulled his cape around himself and backed away.
"You’re wrong on one thing, Nephlyte," Jadeite said from the doorway. "One of us does play an instrument."
"Really? Who? What instrument?" Nephlyte asked.
Jadeite blushed and muttered something.
"What, Jadeite?"
"I play the accordion," he said, just barely audible. This started Malachite, Nephlyte and Zoisite all laughing hysterically. Jadeite got a big sweatdrop. Then he realised something. He pulled the sweatdrop off his forehead and stuck it on Nephlyte’s.
"What’d you do that for?" Nephlyte demanded.
"Because I could." Jadeite stuck out his tongue. "And I’m really good at the accordion, so just shut up, okay!?"
Malachite was still giggling. "I...just got...the funniest image," he gasped. "Jadeite...in liederhosen...and..." He couldn’t say any more without bursting into laughter, but what he said was enough to start Nephlyte and Zoisite again. Jadeite took the sweatdrop from Nephlyte’s head and stuck it to Malachite.
"Ha!" Jadeite yelled, as Malachite tried to pull off the sweatdrop without success.
"No fair..." whined Malachite.
"I feel so powerful," Jadeite laughed.
"Let me see that," Zoisite said, trying to pull the sweatdrop off Malachite’s head. She couldn’t do it either. "Just calm down and it’ll go away." Malachite sighed, and the sweatdrop disappeared.
"Does this mean you’re speaking to me again?" he asked hopefully.
"For now, at least." Zoisite smiled, and the ice crystal vanished. Malachite smiled back, then raised his eyebrow at Jadeite and Nephlyte.
"This is our cue to leave, I think," Jadeite muttered to the brown-haired ex-general. He was concentrating hard--I won’t get a sweatdrop, I won’t get a sweatdrop--but sprouted a small one anyway. He stuck it into his pocket for later use.
"But we haven’t written any songs yet," Nephlyte whined.
"C’mon Nephlyte," Jadeite groaned, dragging him out of the room. "I bet that Molly and Mina would love to go to the arcade with us right about now..."
"We’ve come up with a brilliant evil plan," Mellotron told Garth Brooks.
"Well, mosey on down and tell me about it!" Garth replied.
"We must kidnap Zoisite. Tomorrow. But tonight, we start the world tour. Everyone who comes to your concerts will become part of our army. When we battle the Sailor Scouts, they’ll be fighting on our side!"
"That is one slammin’ game plan, homie," Garth said, slapping Mellotron five. He cleared his throat and got a sweatdrop. "Uh...I mean, a truly ingenious plan, pardner..."
"So, man, did you teach yourself to play or what?" Darien said. Jake looked up blankly.
"Yeah, he did," Kate said. She usually did the talking for Jake. She was used to it by now. "Taught me, but I’m not nearly as good."
Jadeite, Nephlyte, Molly, and Mina entered the arcade. Nephlyte saw Jake with his guitar and immediately left his friend to head for him.
"Hey, man! You play guitar?" he said cheerfully.
"What?" Jake said, staring vacantly into the distance.
"Yeah, he does," Kate sighed.
"Can you play ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’? It’s my absolute favorite song."
"Of course!" This Jake said clearly, as if he was shocked that he would even wonder if Jake didn’t know a song. He snarled, "The world is a vampire," and began playing.
Nephlyte was enraptured. This was exactly what he wanted to do. He envied anyone who could play an instrument. He even envied Jadeite his accordion, for a few seconds at least. Jake finished, and Nephlyte applauded. "D’you...d’you think you could teach me?" he asked.
"Maybe...any more requests?" Jake said, returning to being an airhead.
"Ooh...I’ve got one!" Jadeite said. "I Wanna Hold Your Hand!"
"You and yer oldies," Nephlyte muttered.
"The Beatles were the greatest band ever. Don’t say anything bad about them, or I shall be forced to injure you." Jadeite stuck his sweatdrop to Nephlyte, who stuck out his tongue.
"Stop fighting," Mina said, as Jake began singing. It was amazing, how someone who had just done a great Billy Corgan could do an equally good Paul McCartney. Jadeite was getting into it, grooving to it a bit Austin-Powers-ish-ly. Mina began dancing with him. They looked kinda like a scene from Austin Powers, actually. Before he came back in the 90s.
"I can play this song on my accordion!" Jadeite said. Mina stopped dancing.
"Your WHAT?" she demanded. She got a sweatdrop, and Jadeite grabbed it, sticking it in his pocket to replace the one he stuck to Nephlyte.
"My accordion," he repeated.
"Oh. You’ll have to play it for me sometime," she said, as if she was used to meeting guys who played the accordion.
"I’d love to, Mina!"
"He didn’t even take a second look at me..." whined Klausite.
"I don’t see why," Steveite replied. "You’re very attractive."
"It’s no use. He won’t come unless I’m in trouble, and Queen Beryl won’t let us do the same thing Malachite and Zoisite did!"
"Malachite and Zois--" Steveite snapped his fingers, and a lightbulb appeared over his head. "That’s it! We’ll disguise you as Zoisite, Tux’s old rival!"
"Why do I always have to do the cross dressing?" complained Klausite.
"Because you handle it so well, darling. Let’s get back to the Negaverse. Zoisite left behind some of her old uniforms, and your hair would look so lovely in a ponytail..."
Zoisite awoke to the sounds of an accordion in the next apartment. She was having such a nice dream about Trent Reznor, too...but the clock said it was already eleven, so she decided it was time to get up anyway. Malachite was nowhere to be seen, but there was a note on the table that said he’d gone shopping. She took a shower and ate breakfast (Malachite and Zoisite were both addicted to Lucky Charms) then realized that, though they had been living there for nearly a week, they had never gotten their mail.
Meanwhile, the author ran inside the apartment building, stuffed an envelope in Zoisite’s mailbox, then dashed out before Zoisite came downstairs. She realized she had forgotten to allow for a very important plot development, and had to fix things the best she could.
Zoisite opened the mailbox. There wasn’t much there--some advertisements, coupons, a bill from the theater for the window she’d destroyed, and an AOL disk. Zoisite had never heard of it, but reading the back she thought it looked really groovy. It’s too bad Malachite and I don’t have a computer.
She smiled mysteriously. Yet. And she headed for her friendly neighborhood computer center.